The Hypnotist (A Tale)

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show-
Claude the Hypnotist!

Hypnotist jedhakuro FlickrPhoto Stolen Romer Jed Medina Flickr

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations”

Antique Fob watch Kayla Kandzorra  FlickrPhoto Stolen Kayla Kandzorra Flickr

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
“Watch the Watch — Deeper and Deeper — Watch the Watch —- Deeper and Deeper — Watch the Watch”

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it’s gleaming surfaces and the oldies glasses back at it.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. “SHIT” said Claude.

A hundred and fifty senior citizens obeyed

THE HORSE WHISPERER (A tale)

THE HORSE WHISPERER

Winter horses MorgueFile

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’

‘That’s easy; he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.’

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

‘A female horth.’

So he shows him a prized filly.

‘Nith lookin horth. Can you lifff me up tho I can thee her eyeth?’

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

‘Nith eyeth, lifff me again tho I can thee her earzth?’

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

‘Nith earzth, liff me so I can thee inthide her mouf?’

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

‘Mmmmmm, nice mouf and teefff, can I see her twat?’

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf’s head up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

‘Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?’

.

Hope that gave you a good laugh. I laughed very loudly, excellent joke.
Portia xx

Photo Stolen MorgueFile

Dudley Hugs A Tree

treehuggerfilmsPhoto Stolen treehuggerfilms

 

Dudley Hugs A Tree

Dudley was walking through the bush, when he came upon a old bearded bloke hugging a magnificent Eucalypt, with his ear firmly against the trunk, moaning softly.

“Just out of curiosity, mate,” he asked, “what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” said the scruffy looking fellow.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’,” scoffed Dudley.

“No way mate, it’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever hear,” said the bearded bloke, “Give it a try.”

Dudley was skeptical but curious, so he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
Quick as a flash, the bearded bloke slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet and car keys, stripped him naked, stole his clothes and fled.
Two hours later an enormously muscled and hairy woodsman strolled by and spotted the stark naked Dudley handcuffed to the tree.

“Bloody hell, what happened to you?” he laughed.

With enormous relief Dudley told the bloke the whole terrible saga about how he got there. When Dudley finished telling his story, the woodsman shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and whispered, “This isn’t your day, cupcake…”